Being Wise About Relationships – Proverbs
Being Wise About Relationships – Proverbs
February 3, 2008 AM
By Pastor Lee Hemen
Friction is a consistent element in human relationships. Husbands and wives sometimes disagree over financial, parenting, or household decisions. Church members conflict over issues such as worship styles, budget, or ministries. Coworkers disagree over how to accomplish a project, bosses, or work ethic. All of us have many relationships. We interact with friends, coworkers, and family members almost daily. We may see church members several times a week. We get together with extended family at reunions and holidays. Someone once quipped, “You can pick your friends but you are stuck with your family forever.” How then are we to relate to others?
The Book of Proverbs addresses many of these relationships by giving us basic moral and spiritual principles. Today we will deal with three basic areas that are important in building and maintaining healthy relationships. First, we need to be careful how we speak. We can build or destroy a relationship with a few words. Second, we need to learn how to control our tempers. Patience is a biblical virtue that many Christians struggle to develop. Third, we need to consider the consequences of our actions. Even a seemingly insignificant action can have tremendous long-term results for our relationships. Proverbs provide for us general principles for us in being wise about relationships.
READ: Proverbs 12:18; 15:1; 12:19; 16:28; 17:9; 14:17, 29; 15:18; 20:3; 19:11; 22:24-25; 12:16; 17:14,19; 17:17
Even when you think you are offering helpful insight to a tough situation, it can become unwanted if it is not given in a discrete way. I know, I offered the opinion on how to cook gravy just once, in our marriage. Proverbs speaks to this issue. The first lesson we discover in being wise about relationships is to…
I. Choose Your Words Carefully (Proverbs 12:18; 15:1; 12:19; 16:28; 17:9)
1. A great part of self-control is mouth control! Various proverbs stress that what we say is crucial. Proverbs 12:18 stresses that how we speak is often as important as what we say. Speaking rashly or recklessly can hurt other people. Verbal violence is just as real as physical harm in destroying relationships. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” A gentle answer often defuses a tense situation. A harsh word provokes another hot response. The battle of words easily escalates into alienation, hurt feelings, and broken relationships. Curbing anger and seeking understanding are invaluable in keeping friends. Proverbs 12:19, contrasts the enduring nature of choosing the truth to the limited duration of lying. Our society often encourages deceit. Yet, God expects His people to be truthful. Speaking truth strengthens friendship with trust and respect. This is why gossip is so hurtful and divisive. A contrary person creates problems for themselves in relationships. Some people seem to stir up trouble quickly by being critical, self-centered, or demanding. “Perverse” literally means “fraud.” Some people revel in gossip. The idea refers to someone who deliberately gossips fraudulent things about another! Even if the gossip’s words are true, the motive is to alienate people. Those who set people against one another and spread gossip destroy relationships. This is why the writer reminds us that “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” (v. 17:9) We do not always need to tell everything we know. Out of love for another, we might need to conceal some information. Cold, brutal honesty can be devastating to others. In being wise about relationships you need to be able to choose your words carefully!
EXAMPLE: Mart DeHaan writes: “While riding in a car, I passed a sign that warned: $100 FINE FOR THROWING LITTER ON HIGHWAY. Soon I saw another sign that stated: LITTER BARREL—1 MILE. A short time later, I passed a garbage truck on its way to the disposal plant. There are three things you can do with garbage: You can collect it, scatter it, or dispose of it. Some people are garbage collectors; they are always listening for some choice bit of gossip. If they were only collectors, it would not be so serious. But these collectors are often litterbugs, and insist on scattering it all along life's highway. Thank God, there are also those who know how to dispose of it. They put the refuse where it belongs—in the "litter barrel" of forgetfulness…. Don't spread gossip, but dispose of it by silence. Gossip soon dies if it is not repeated. Today you will find plenty of garbage. You can collect it, scatter it, or dispose of it.” Proverbs reminds us that in being wise about relationships you need to be able to choose your words carefully!
As Christians we should be careful about what we say and how we say it. Concern for building and maintaining relationships will help us know what to say and when to say it. Speaking the truth in love is a solid biblical principle that reinforces the wisdom in Proverbs. God expects His people to use godly care and discretion in what they say and how they say it. Therefore, the second lesson we discover in being wise about relationships is to…
II. Cultivate Patience (Proverbs 14:17, 29; 15:18; 20:3; 19:11)
1. The end never justifies the meanness! The Book of Proverbs frequently contrasts losing one’s temper to cultivating patience. Proverbs 14:17 relates that a quick-tempered man acts like a fool. Being quick-tempered refers to expressing inappropriate anger. This kind of person has the proverbial short fuse or goes off half-cocked. Losing one’s temper can seriously harm relationships. Losing one’s temper is not to be equated with anger. Anger is a God-given capacity that, when controlled, can be used constructively to motivate us to straighten out a problem. This is why Proverbs relates that “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.” (v. 29) In fact, “a patient man calms a quarrel.” (v. 15:18) and “It is to a man's honor to avoid strife.” (v. 20:3) A wise person will work to resolve a dispute, whereas a fool revels in stirring up arguments. An honest confrontation may be necessary to resolve conflict. The motive behind such a confrontation should always be reconciliation, not a desire to stir up more trouble! Peace at any cost is not the idea here. Avoiding needless quarreling is a virtue. To be able to exercise patience and self-control is to win in life! Patience is not an impassive indifference or ignoring a problem. Patient people see life’s difficulties realistically. They do not overreact to tense situations and they work toward meaningful solutions: “A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (v. 19:11) An overly sensitive person will have a difficult time in life! If you take offense easily at what people say or do, you will struggle with patience. A perfectionist wants everything done exactly right or only his way has difficulty demonstrating patience in the real, messy world in which we live. In being wise about relationships, we are to cultivate patience!
EXAMPLE: Do you know who Joshua Chamberlain is? You should get to know his story: Before he enlisted in the Union Army to fight during the US Civil War, Joshua Chamberlain was a quiet and unassuming college professor. In the crucible of military combat he distinguished himself for his heroism in holding the line on Little Round Top during the Battle of Gettysburg. He was later awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. To recognize Chamberlain’s contribution to the Union victory, General Ulysses S. Grant designated him to receive the first flag of surrender at Appomattox Courthouse. The defeated troops of the South expected to be ridiculed and humiliated. Instead, Chamberlain showed them great patience, kindness, and respect. For this, the Confederate commanding officer wrote in his memoirs that Chamberlain was “one of the knightliest soldiers of the Federal Army.” As a committed Christian, Chamberlain reflected the grace of Christ. We too need to stand for what we believe but also to be patient and kind to those with whom we disagree. In being wise about relationships, we are to cultivate patience!
When the Apostle Paul contrasted the “works of the flesh” and the “fruit of the Spirit” (Gal. 5:19-24), he listed patience as a fruit of the Spirit (v. 22). Ultimately godly patience comes from following the leadership of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We cannot talk ourselves into being more patient, although being aware of our temper and our impatience is a good starting point for improvement. Cultivating patience in relationships will help us avoid damaging those relationships by losing our tempers. Finally, Proverbs teaches us that in being wise about relationships means we should…
III. Consider the Consequences (Proverbs 22:24-25; 12:16; 17:14,19; 17:17)
1. The road to ruin is always in good repair! Proverbs 22:24 relates that the people we choose to associate with on a regular basis shape our character: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” Paul wrote that bad companions can corrupt our morals (1 Cor. 15:33). Ideally, Christians will have positive influence on their non-Christian friends and coworkers. A key factor here is spiritual and moral maturity. Children and young people are generally more impressionable than adults. And, even adults can become entangled in bad behavior out of a desire to be popular or successful. However, Proverbs 12:16 tells us that a foolish person and a wise person respond differently to the same situation. A sensible person responds to an insult in a more measured, thoughtful way. A wise person does not react with a knee-jerk response to a critical remark because “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam.” (v. 17:14) It results in a flood the perpetrator may not be able to stop. We have all experienced people who seem to just love to get angry. The writer of Proverbs is correct when he relates that “He who loves a quarrel loves sin.” (v. 19) However, we find that the opposite attitude is the correct one. True friendship with God and others will reflect the love of God in our lives. True friends assist us when we face adversity. We need to stand by friends who experience trouble, whether financial, marital, vocational, legal, or moral. Proverbs relates that “A friend loves at all times.” In fact, a friend who is close as a brother “is born for adversity” when we are going through it ourselves! Many young people in our day do not consider the outcome of picking the wrong friends. Who we choose to spend our time with is a reflection of who we are as well. Others will judge us by the friends we keep. Before you decide to hang around with the wrong people, consider the consequences!
EXAMPLE: Someone has said, “The more I get to know the human race, the more I love my dog.” Dogs are loyal, dependable, eager to please, and quick to forgive and forget. Don’t you wish people were more like that? Sometimes we are to our detriment. The desire for the approval of others makes us do strange things and adults are no exception to peer pressure. We wear clothing that is fashionable whether we like it or not, we accept invitations we'd rather decline, and we work much harder than we want to for a level of financial success we don't need. Most regrettably, however, we sometimes choose to follow a crowd that encourages us to do what is wrong. Like the old carnival headliner nicknamed “Cannonball.” In his younger days, he was blasted out of a cannon 1,200 times, pulled a 90-pound weight across a table with his eyelids, and performed many other bizarre stunts. When asked why he did such things, he replied, “Do you know what it's like to feel the applause of 60,000 people? That's why I did it over and over.” People pressure—we are all influenced by it. It bears down on us from all directions. But we can choose the path we will take. If we are swayed by the proud or by those who love money, live for pleasure, to be liked, or long for power, people pressure will lead us down the path that ends in destruction. But if we heed the counsel of those who are humble, good, and godly, we will follow the way that pleases God. Before you decide to hang around with the wrong people, consider the consequences!
Conclusion:
First, we need to be careful how we speak. We can build or destroy a relationship with a few words. Second, we need to learn how to control our tempers. Patience is a biblical virtue that many Christians struggle to develop. Third, we need to consider the consequences of our actions.
February 3, 2008 AM
By Pastor Lee Hemen
Friction is a consistent element in human relationships. Husbands and wives sometimes disagree over financial, parenting, or household decisions. Church members conflict over issues such as worship styles, budget, or ministries. Coworkers disagree over how to accomplish a project, bosses, or work ethic. All of us have many relationships. We interact with friends, coworkers, and family members almost daily. We may see church members several times a week. We get together with extended family at reunions and holidays. Someone once quipped, “You can pick your friends but you are stuck with your family forever.” How then are we to relate to others?
The Book of Proverbs addresses many of these relationships by giving us basic moral and spiritual principles. Today we will deal with three basic areas that are important in building and maintaining healthy relationships. First, we need to be careful how we speak. We can build or destroy a relationship with a few words. Second, we need to learn how to control our tempers. Patience is a biblical virtue that many Christians struggle to develop. Third, we need to consider the consequences of our actions. Even a seemingly insignificant action can have tremendous long-term results for our relationships. Proverbs provide for us general principles for us in being wise about relationships.
READ: Proverbs 12:18; 15:1; 12:19; 16:28; 17:9; 14:17, 29; 15:18; 20:3; 19:11; 22:24-25; 12:16; 17:14,19; 17:17
Even when you think you are offering helpful insight to a tough situation, it can become unwanted if it is not given in a discrete way. I know, I offered the opinion on how to cook gravy just once, in our marriage. Proverbs speaks to this issue. The first lesson we discover in being wise about relationships is to…
I. Choose Your Words Carefully (Proverbs 12:18; 15:1; 12:19; 16:28; 17:9)
1. A great part of self-control is mouth control! Various proverbs stress that what we say is crucial. Proverbs 12:18 stresses that how we speak is often as important as what we say. Speaking rashly or recklessly can hurt other people. Verbal violence is just as real as physical harm in destroying relationships. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” A gentle answer often defuses a tense situation. A harsh word provokes another hot response. The battle of words easily escalates into alienation, hurt feelings, and broken relationships. Curbing anger and seeking understanding are invaluable in keeping friends. Proverbs 12:19, contrasts the enduring nature of choosing the truth to the limited duration of lying. Our society often encourages deceit. Yet, God expects His people to be truthful. Speaking truth strengthens friendship with trust and respect. This is why gossip is so hurtful and divisive. A contrary person creates problems for themselves in relationships. Some people seem to stir up trouble quickly by being critical, self-centered, or demanding. “Perverse” literally means “fraud.” Some people revel in gossip. The idea refers to someone who deliberately gossips fraudulent things about another! Even if the gossip’s words are true, the motive is to alienate people. Those who set people against one another and spread gossip destroy relationships. This is why the writer reminds us that “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” (v. 17:9) We do not always need to tell everything we know. Out of love for another, we might need to conceal some information. Cold, brutal honesty can be devastating to others. In being wise about relationships you need to be able to choose your words carefully!
EXAMPLE: Mart DeHaan writes: “While riding in a car, I passed a sign that warned: $100 FINE FOR THROWING LITTER ON HIGHWAY. Soon I saw another sign that stated: LITTER BARREL—1 MILE. A short time later, I passed a garbage truck on its way to the disposal plant. There are three things you can do with garbage: You can collect it, scatter it, or dispose of it. Some people are garbage collectors; they are always listening for some choice bit of gossip. If they were only collectors, it would not be so serious. But these collectors are often litterbugs, and insist on scattering it all along life's highway. Thank God, there are also those who know how to dispose of it. They put the refuse where it belongs—in the "litter barrel" of forgetfulness…. Don't spread gossip, but dispose of it by silence. Gossip soon dies if it is not repeated. Today you will find plenty of garbage. You can collect it, scatter it, or dispose of it.” Proverbs reminds us that in being wise about relationships you need to be able to choose your words carefully!
As Christians we should be careful about what we say and how we say it. Concern for building and maintaining relationships will help us know what to say and when to say it. Speaking the truth in love is a solid biblical principle that reinforces the wisdom in Proverbs. God expects His people to use godly care and discretion in what they say and how they say it. Therefore, the second lesson we discover in being wise about relationships is to…
II. Cultivate Patience (Proverbs 14:17, 29; 15:18; 20:3; 19:11)
1. The end never justifies the meanness! The Book of Proverbs frequently contrasts losing one’s temper to cultivating patience. Proverbs 14:17 relates that a quick-tempered man acts like a fool. Being quick-tempered refers to expressing inappropriate anger. This kind of person has the proverbial short fuse or goes off half-cocked. Losing one’s temper can seriously harm relationships. Losing one’s temper is not to be equated with anger. Anger is a God-given capacity that, when controlled, can be used constructively to motivate us to straighten out a problem. This is why Proverbs relates that “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.” (v. 29) In fact, “a patient man calms a quarrel.” (v. 15:18) and “It is to a man's honor to avoid strife.” (v. 20:3) A wise person will work to resolve a dispute, whereas a fool revels in stirring up arguments. An honest confrontation may be necessary to resolve conflict. The motive behind such a confrontation should always be reconciliation, not a desire to stir up more trouble! Peace at any cost is not the idea here. Avoiding needless quarreling is a virtue. To be able to exercise patience and self-control is to win in life! Patience is not an impassive indifference or ignoring a problem. Patient people see life’s difficulties realistically. They do not overreact to tense situations and they work toward meaningful solutions: “A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (v. 19:11) An overly sensitive person will have a difficult time in life! If you take offense easily at what people say or do, you will struggle with patience. A perfectionist wants everything done exactly right or only his way has difficulty demonstrating patience in the real, messy world in which we live. In being wise about relationships, we are to cultivate patience!
EXAMPLE: Do you know who Joshua Chamberlain is? You should get to know his story: Before he enlisted in the Union Army to fight during the US Civil War, Joshua Chamberlain was a quiet and unassuming college professor. In the crucible of military combat he distinguished himself for his heroism in holding the line on Little Round Top during the Battle of Gettysburg. He was later awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. To recognize Chamberlain’s contribution to the Union victory, General Ulysses S. Grant designated him to receive the first flag of surrender at Appomattox Courthouse. The defeated troops of the South expected to be ridiculed and humiliated. Instead, Chamberlain showed them great patience, kindness, and respect. For this, the Confederate commanding officer wrote in his memoirs that Chamberlain was “one of the knightliest soldiers of the Federal Army.” As a committed Christian, Chamberlain reflected the grace of Christ. We too need to stand for what we believe but also to be patient and kind to those with whom we disagree. In being wise about relationships, we are to cultivate patience!
When the Apostle Paul contrasted the “works of the flesh” and the “fruit of the Spirit” (Gal. 5:19-24), he listed patience as a fruit of the Spirit (v. 22). Ultimately godly patience comes from following the leadership of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We cannot talk ourselves into being more patient, although being aware of our temper and our impatience is a good starting point for improvement. Cultivating patience in relationships will help us avoid damaging those relationships by losing our tempers. Finally, Proverbs teaches us that in being wise about relationships means we should…
III. Consider the Consequences (Proverbs 22:24-25; 12:16; 17:14,19; 17:17)
1. The road to ruin is always in good repair! Proverbs 22:24 relates that the people we choose to associate with on a regular basis shape our character: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” Paul wrote that bad companions can corrupt our morals (1 Cor. 15:33). Ideally, Christians will have positive influence on their non-Christian friends and coworkers. A key factor here is spiritual and moral maturity. Children and young people are generally more impressionable than adults. And, even adults can become entangled in bad behavior out of a desire to be popular or successful. However, Proverbs 12:16 tells us that a foolish person and a wise person respond differently to the same situation. A sensible person responds to an insult in a more measured, thoughtful way. A wise person does not react with a knee-jerk response to a critical remark because “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam.” (v. 17:14) It results in a flood the perpetrator may not be able to stop. We have all experienced people who seem to just love to get angry. The writer of Proverbs is correct when he relates that “He who loves a quarrel loves sin.” (v. 19) However, we find that the opposite attitude is the correct one. True friendship with God and others will reflect the love of God in our lives. True friends assist us when we face adversity. We need to stand by friends who experience trouble, whether financial, marital, vocational, legal, or moral. Proverbs relates that “A friend loves at all times.” In fact, a friend who is close as a brother “is born for adversity” when we are going through it ourselves! Many young people in our day do not consider the outcome of picking the wrong friends. Who we choose to spend our time with is a reflection of who we are as well. Others will judge us by the friends we keep. Before you decide to hang around with the wrong people, consider the consequences!
EXAMPLE: Someone has said, “The more I get to know the human race, the more I love my dog.” Dogs are loyal, dependable, eager to please, and quick to forgive and forget. Don’t you wish people were more like that? Sometimes we are to our detriment. The desire for the approval of others makes us do strange things and adults are no exception to peer pressure. We wear clothing that is fashionable whether we like it or not, we accept invitations we'd rather decline, and we work much harder than we want to for a level of financial success we don't need. Most regrettably, however, we sometimes choose to follow a crowd that encourages us to do what is wrong. Like the old carnival headliner nicknamed “Cannonball.” In his younger days, he was blasted out of a cannon 1,200 times, pulled a 90-pound weight across a table with his eyelids, and performed many other bizarre stunts. When asked why he did such things, he replied, “Do you know what it's like to feel the applause of 60,000 people? That's why I did it over and over.” People pressure—we are all influenced by it. It bears down on us from all directions. But we can choose the path we will take. If we are swayed by the proud or by those who love money, live for pleasure, to be liked, or long for power, people pressure will lead us down the path that ends in destruction. But if we heed the counsel of those who are humble, good, and godly, we will follow the way that pleases God. Before you decide to hang around with the wrong people, consider the consequences!
Conclusion:
First, we need to be careful how we speak. We can build or destroy a relationship with a few words. Second, we need to learn how to control our tempers. Patience is a biblical virtue that many Christians struggle to develop. Third, we need to consider the consequences of our actions.
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